Jenn: No one wants to offend someone by telling them that their “words of comfort” or “encouragement” are actually inappropriate because we believe that most people are coming from a good place. I’m no different. I haven’t said it out loud to anyone, but I don’t have any trouble writing about it- it’s less confrontational. LOL
So, the truth is, I don’t think it’s healthy to tell people to “stay strong” or “God won’t give you more than you can handle” or “God will answer your prayers… you’ll get better.” People need to know it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to need support and to feel like you can’t make it through another day. It’s hard enough to show vulnerability by admitting to how you really feel, but when people come back with phrases like those I mentioned and many others, it can feel deflating and frustrating. “Stay strong” implies it’s not okay to be weak or to need help and support. “God won’t give you more than you can handle” implies first, that God did this to you for some reason and second, that you’re weak if you feel like you can’t handle it. “God will answer your prayers…you’ll get better” implies that if you pray hard enough, if you’re faithful enough you’ll get better and if you don’t that God is punishing you or that clearly you weren’t faithful enough. These phrases set expectations that are sometimes unattainable and they can lead to anxiety and depression.
My reality is that we don’t know how well my spinal cord will heal. When I hit two years post-surgery I will have whatever functioning I have for the rest of my life. It has nothing to do with how faithful I am or how much I pray. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in God and I believe in prayer, but God didn’t do this to me because my loving God wouldn’t do this to anyone. God only wants us all to thrive. My prayers are for comfort, peace, and strength. I don’t ask to be healed because that sets God up for failure and me up to be hurt and angry with God. I don’t want that. I’ve seen that destroy too many lives.
I’m sorry I got a little preachy there (but heck I am a preacher LOL). I hope that what you take away from this is to think before you speak, think about the implications of what you are saying and ask yourself, “is this really the message I want this person to take away from what I’m about to say?” One of the best things a co-worker said to me was “I don’t know your faith tradition, but It’s in mine to pray for you. Is that okay?” I said, “I would love that.” And I do, and when I think of it, I smile.
